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“That is not it at all,

That is not what I meant, at all.”

--T.S. Eliot, The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock

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The Awesome Power of Procrastination

*Trigger Warning: self-harm The power of procrastination is so awesome that even though I have been without Internet access for several hours and I have things that I think I want to do, I have spent that time lying on top of my bed thinking about how I would do all the things I want to do if I were to do them. Very productive. I think that the ideas I have are worth so much more in my head, I can fetishize every negative feeling and pretend that it makes me special or interesting in some way. But when the thoughts become words that I type out and read back, I realise how banal everything about me is. That's probably the real reason writing blog posts and writing in my journal gets a little harder every time. Here is a quick list of the things I should be doing right now: On Tuesday I had a very intense dream that was terrifying enough to make me feel slightly separate from my body all week. Even now, everything feels a little unreal and abnormal; I haven't stopped
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The Intimacy Issues

Reconstructing the mask hasn't really gone according to plan. That doesn't surprise me since nothing in my life does, but all the dead ends have taken an emotional toll. Trying to keep myself together is taking up so much of my energy that I hardly ever stop to think about why I even bother(why do I, though?).

 A couple of weeks ago I came across a job that I actually really want, but part of the application is writing a 1000-word personal essay. Since I've never heard of such a thing before this week, I googled "personal essays" and it seems the best ones are incredibly personal. Of course this may just be a quirk of the American college application system and the company I want to work for may not want an essay that's quite so intimate, but this sort of information may be exactly what they are looking for. I get anxious when I have to write a narrative essay and I get very anxious when I have to share personal information; this personal essay thing seems to be some sort hellish amalgamation of the two. It's not ideal. My academic record is not nearly strong enough to tip the scales in my favour and there's a very real chance that this essay may be the highlight of my entire application, so I want to give it everything I have. But I also don't think it's a good idea to go around opening old wounds. Especially now that I am running on fumes. I don't think I can do this. And I don't think I can live with quitting.

 Oh, and I had a dream about The Crush. So it looks like this year is going to get worse before it gets any better. I'm kidding, it's obviously never going to get any better.

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