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“That is not it at all,

That is not what I meant, at all.”

--T.S. Eliot, The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock

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The Awesome Power of Procrastination

*Trigger Warning: self-harm The power of procrastination is so awesome that even though I have been without Internet access for several hours and I have things that I think I want to do, I have spent that time lying on top of my bed thinking about how I would do all the things I want to do if I were to do them. Very productive. I think that the ideas I have are worth so much more in my head, I can fetishize every negative feeling and pretend that it makes me special or interesting in some way. But when the thoughts become words that I type out and read back, I realise how banal everything about me is. That's probably the real reason writing blog posts and writing in my journal gets a little harder every time. Here is a quick list of the things I should be doing right now: On Tuesday I had a very intense dream that was terrifying enough to make me feel slightly separate from my body all week. Even now, everything feels a little unreal and abnormal; I haven't stopped ...
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The Mad Girl: Poetry Edition (part 3 or so)


"There’s only one thing that ever changes anything and that’s death. Everything else is a lie. You can’t be saved by a lie. You can’t be saved at all."


Acceptance

I hope it's coming soon. 
I think it might already be here. 
I thought it would be more pleasant and peaceful, 
but it is better than using every day to disappear. 

I keep having these dreams. 
In all of them, I'm screaming. 
But I need to sleep, so I have to find a way 
to deal with all the things I am feeling.

I'm not over him. 
I'm not over him either. 
I don't know if it is possible to love two people 
at the same time, but I'm getting over neither. 

I won't talk about it. 
I won't ever have to. 
This is just another darkness to add to my life, 
Yet another thing I'll have to get through. 

I haven't forgiven myself. 
I don't think I ever will. 
Or maybe this is just the next stage 
and forgiveness is a little further uphill.
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