"How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice."
I couldn't sleep a few nights ago trying to remind myself why I'm doing this(other than the obvious reason of me being so insecure that I think I have to have a BMI of 20 to be pretty) and I set up some goal posts for myself. If, in a few months, I can look at S.(or even a picture of him), feel that cut in my heart that hurts so much that it makes the entire left side of my body weak and manage to maintain a convincing smile, I will have arrived. It's pretty ambitious, I know, but I'm pretty ambitious and at the very least working towards this will keep me distracted for the next year or so.
Last night, at the beach, I tried to be friendly and agreeable. It didn't go well. Nobody seemed to outright dislike me, but I did overhear a man whose name I don't care to remember say I looked over-posed in all my pictures(I'm paraphrasing), so I think I need to practice the authenticity a little more. It's so frustrating because I know that a good, believable mask can't be perfect. I know what flaws to have and when exactly to mess up and be self-deprecating. Or at least I used to.
Getting there is going to take more work than I anticipated. For some reason I just assumed that because I wore a mask for the better part of a decade, this would be easy. But it is hard to do the work when most of you is apathetic(I'm obviously not completely apathetic or else I wouldn't be putting myself through this). I'm hoping that what I lack in motivation, I can make up for with experience. I just need to try to remember what I know.
Being reasonably fit
About 10 minutes into my workout today, I started thinking about my issues with motivation again. I was wondering how I could run around a beach volleyball court for an hour without losing steam, but 10 minutes into a cardio workout, I'm already over it. At first I thought it was because I'm competitive, but even if that was once true, it's not a thing that can help me right now. So I decided to go with my second idea for Possibly Effective Motivational Tools, or PEMTs(yea, I don't think I'll be using that acronym after this post): focusing on a clear goal. Knowing what numbers I'm working towards and setting up a time frame in which to achieve those goals will be a challenge, which is sort of like competing with myself(maybe I should think about making becoming more coherent one of my goals). I've already worked out the necessary numbers(weight, dress sizes, etc), but I think the personality goals could use some tweaking.
Being more or less tolerable
Another thing I need to remind myself of is what happens to people who aren't social and friendly with strangers. Nobody wants to be friends with the person who never wants to go to parties(or worse, goes and just mopes in the corner all night.), my mother is no exception. I think that if she stopped dragging me to these things, I would feel a little like a disappointment. It can't be easy having an introverted child.
Being admirably stoic
And I've opted for the graded desensitization to help me deal with my emotional triggers. I don't think that the things that are triggers for me will stop being reminders of the amount of pain I'm constantly in, but I can do something about how quickly I put plaster back on the wound and making sure no one sees it. I thought I could start with pictures of my ex's baby but, once again, I overestimated my abilities with that one. So I'm starting with general babies. I like babies in general, so I figured that if I can focus on that rather than what they remind me of, I can take a step in my desired direction. So far, it seems to be working. The other major trigger is being ignored, which happens to me quite often(hell, it happened earlier this week. Long story involving the crush, I'll get to it some other day). I thought figuring out that the rage I feel whenever I am treated like I don't matter is rooted in my insecure-little-girl fear that I really don't matter would somehow defuse the trigger, but no. My initial plan was to try to convince myself that when people blow me off, it's because something's going on with them, but my stomach wouldn't stand for it. So for now I am ignoring the blow-offs. Rejecting their rejection, so to speak. Not in a sad stalker way where I keep sending messages that never get responses, in the cool stoic way where I ignore the ignorer entirely. I'll work on being civil and acting mature later.
Tomorrow is another beach party and this one is going to be harder because I already know I'm going to hate everybody there, the party is for longer and I am more self-conscious of the image I'm projecting than I was yesterday. My plan is mainly just to watch something funny and drink lots of coffee before I leave. I'm not sure what I'm going to do when I get to the party.
“Nothing is so difficult as not deceiving oneself.”
― Ludwig Wittgenstein
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