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“That is not it at all,

That is not what I meant, at all.”

--T.S. Eliot, The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock

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The Awesome Power of Procrastination

*Trigger Warning: self-harm The power of procrastination is so awesome that even though I have been without Internet access for several hours and I have things that I think I want to do, I have spent that time lying on top of my bed thinking about how I would do all the things I want to do if I were to do them. Very productive. I think that the ideas I have are worth so much more in my head, I can fetishize every negative feeling and pretend that it makes me special or interesting in some way. But when the thoughts become words that I type out and read back, I realise how banal everything about me is. That's probably the real reason writing blog posts and writing in my journal gets a little harder every time. Here is a quick list of the things I should be doing right now: On Tuesday I had a very intense dream that was terrifying enough to make me feel slightly separate from my body all week. Even now, everything feels a little unreal and abnormal; I haven't stopped
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The Mask Reconstruction: Exercising Restraint


“No matter which way we go, it is no better than any other. It is all the same whether you achieve something or not, have faith or not, just as it is all the same whether you cry or remain silent.”
Emil Cioran, On the Heights of Despair


When I first told my mother that I had been diagnosed with MDD, she told me I should get over it soon because having something like that as part of my medical history might affect future job prospects. I used to think she was being insensitive, but now I'm starting to understand that stopping my entire life to delve into the unimportant roots of my "Mad Girl" syndrome is the sort of privilege I don't actually have.

I almost fell off the wagon today. It's been almost exactly 4 years since... And I started thinking about how sad and pathetic I was for still being hung up on something so trivial. I wanted to talk to someone about it, reach out to someone, I almost did but that would've been selfish and counter-productive.   Usually I get through moments like that by trying to convince myself that I have 7 years to get over this. It's completely arbitrary bullshit, but it works for little moments like that. But today wasn't really a "little moment".

While I realise that it's good to lean on someone every now and then, leaning always turns into clinging with me and I really can't fall into that pattern right now. I think I'm making good progress with all the areas I wanted to work on and even thinking about old infatuations right now would hinder that progress in a serious way.

I resisted. Successfully. It felt really good to have such a bad day and still show restraint. I need to get my shit together, I'm losing much more than time with every wasted day. And I have already thrown away so much. I kept it together.

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