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“That is not it at all,

That is not what I meant, at all.”

--T.S. Eliot, The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock

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The Awesome Power of Procrastination

*Trigger Warning: self-harm The power of procrastination is so awesome that even though I have been without Internet access for several hours and I have things that I think I want to do, I have spent that time lying on top of my bed thinking about how I would do all the things I want to do if I were to do them. Very productive. I think that the ideas I have are worth so much more in my head, I can fetishize every negative feeling and pretend that it makes me special or interesting in some way. But when the thoughts become words that I type out and read back, I realise how banal everything about me is. That's probably the real reason writing blog posts and writing in my journal gets a little harder every time. Here is a quick list of the things I should be doing right now: On Tuesday I had a very intense dream that was terrifying enough to make me feel slightly separate from my body all week. Even now, everything feels a little unreal and abnormal; I haven't stopped
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The Otherness

"You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."
--Steve Jobs

 So this morning I was indulging my unhealthy habit of spending hours on Snopes reading about urban legends and such, when I came across a (real) Steve Jobs speech given to Stanford graduates in 2005. He said a lot of things that really resonated with me, but there were also a lot of things in that speech that only served to make me feel like a freak. I wish I could think like he did. I wish I could think. I wanted to be inspired, but all I am is jealous. For a moment I wished that all I wanted was success and a family. I wished I could be the sort of person who just had faith in their destiny or future or whatever. I wished I could just blindly believe that things will work out in the end. I wished that when he said that no one wants to die, he was also talking about me. I may never be part of "everyone" and some days I'm okay with it. Today is not one of those days.

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