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“That is not it at all,

That is not what I meant, at all.”

--T.S. Eliot, The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock

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The Awesome Power of Procrastination

*Trigger Warning: self-harm The power of procrastination is so awesome that even though I have been without Internet access for several hours and I have things that I think I want to do, I have spent that time lying on top of my bed thinking about how I would do all the things I want to do if I were to do them. Very productive. I think that the ideas I have are worth so much more in my head, I can fetishize every negative feeling and pretend that it makes me special or interesting in some way. But when the thoughts become words that I type out and read back, I realise how banal everything about me is. That's probably the real reason writing blog posts and writing in my journal gets a little harder every time. Here is a quick list of the things I should be doing right now: On Tuesday I had a very intense dream that was terrifying enough to make me feel slightly separate from my body all week. Even now, everything feels a little unreal and abnormal; I haven't stopped
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Die duisende skakerings van grys

“Imagine a society that subjects people to conditions that make them terribly unhappy then gives them the drugs to take away their unhappiness. Science fiction It is already happening to some extent in our own society. Instead of removing the conditions that make people depressed modern society gives them antidepressant drugs. In effect antidepressants are a means of modifying an individual's internal state in such a way as to enable him to tolerate social conditions that he would otherwise find intolerable.”
― Theodore Kaczynski

I stopped seeing my therapist last week. It was because we weren't a good match.She asked me if I wanted to join the world. The way I see the world has changed so much over the last few years. Or maybe it's just my understanding of my worldview that has changed. A lot of people(in my experience) have this black-and-white view of life and death; either you fight to live or you want to die and anyone on the fence needs to be shot off it. I don't think that I am one of those intense, insightful people who sees the world in shades of grey, but this is the way I see the choice to survive. I don't believe in anything, I don't have any anchors. To me life, does not have any sort of intrinsic value. I have days that are so dark, that they are almost black. And I have days that are much more bearable. On any of those days, if someone asked me whether or not I want to live, I would not be able to answer them; because even if I am happy, life has no intrinsic value and even when I am at my most miserable, wanting to die is just a preference.


I don't know if maybe I've been thinking about that Unabomber quote too much, or if maybe I see a glimmer of truth in it. I feel myself resisting the medication and the therapy because I feel like they only serve to condition my brain to learn to accept(and even celebrate) a society that is actually unacceptable.

How much is too much? How long until the people you love realise that the effort involved in trying to help you far outweighs the occasional benefits, and really all you are is exhausting?How much of the injustice and inequality can you take before you have to accept that you can not truly be part of the world? Maybe I'm just testing the people around me, pushing them away until, eventually, they stay away.

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