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“That is not it at all,

That is not what I meant, at all.”

--T.S. Eliot, The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock

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The Awesome Power of Procrastination

*Trigger Warning: self-harm The power of procrastination is so awesome that even though I have been without Internet access for several hours and I have things that I think I want to do, I have spent that time lying on top of my bed thinking about how I would do all the things I want to do if I were to do them. Very productive. I think that the ideas I have are worth so much more in my head, I can fetishize every negative feeling and pretend that it makes me special or interesting in some way. But when the thoughts become words that I type out and read back, I realise how banal everything about me is. That's probably the real reason writing blog posts and writing in my journal gets a little harder every time. Here is a quick list of the things I should be doing right now: On Tuesday I had a very intense dream that was terrifying enough to make me feel slightly separate from my body all week. Even now, everything feels a little unreal and abnormal; I haven't stopped
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The Deal

I feel like there's a realisation brewing inside me, something like my own personal truth that is trying to force itself out of my pores and my eyes and (maybe) my mouth. I think about my deal with Life, what is being offered to me and I have to give up in return. There are moments of happiness, they come for 3 weeks every year(if I'm lucky). The rest of the time, I feel alone and I get hurt. The deal is that I live with the pain, make the most of it; I sacrifice and every time my heart is broken, I have to deal with the tight chest and heartbreak and the elevated blood pressure. For every 100 people I trust, 99 will let me down and leave me. That's the deal, that is all that is being offered to me.

I used to get so annoyed with people who said that suicide was a selfish act, especially if it was someone who'd never even been depressed. When I am lying in bed alone in the middle of the day because the emotional pain is so severe that it manifests itself physically and no one is cares because my problems make them uncomfortable, I have no choice but to be selfish. Everyone I have ever known or loved has abandoned, hurt or otherwise betrayed me(with few exceptions). Who else is going to put me first?
"They tell us that suicide is the greatest piece of cowardice... That suicide is wrong; when it's quite obvious that there is nothing in this world to which every man has a more unassailable title than his own life"
--Arthur Schopenhauer
My shrink says that she can't give me a reason to live, I think no one can. I have to figure out a reason to live for myself. But I can't. There is nothing about life that appeals to me. It's all about the ups and downs, trust and disappointment, falling in love and being disappointed. I understand all of that and it just doesn't seem like a fair deal to me. I understand what I'm being offered, what the price is and what the rewards are; and I'm saying no.


“There seems to be an inborn drive in all human beings not to live in a steady emotional state, which would suggest that such a state is not tolerable to most people. Why else would someone succumb to the attractions of romantic love more than once? Didn't they learn their lesson the first time or the tenth time or the twentieth time? And it’s the same old lesson: everything in this life—I repeat, everything—is more trouble than it’s worth. And simply being alive is the basic trouble.”
― Thomas Ligotti
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