It's so great I've been raised and conditioned to think that any time I feel real anger, it's probably just something linked to my menstrual cycle so no one(including me) ever has to take my rage seriously. It's fun.
"It has always seemed to me that my existence consisted purely and exclusively of nothing but the most outrageous nonsense."
--Thomas Ligotti, Teatro Grottesco
I hate it here, so naturally I've been getting angrier with every passing day. 6 months ago I was a sort of social smoker and now every time I smell my father's cigarette smoke, I want to blow up his car. It's probably not about the cigarette smoke. My mother gave my brother the grocery money this month and is somehow surprised that he spent most of it on weed and beer. I'm a huge fan of getting hammered, but even I know you buy toilet paper before you buy beer. That's been really bugging me as well. This stupid, selfish, inconsiderate things that the two of them have been doing my whole life are really starting to wear me down and I don't think I can control my anger the way I used to be able to. I woke up this morning in a blind rage, but then I saw this:
Something about the mental image of Bonnie Bennett attacking a mailbox for looking at her funny caused my anger to dissipate a little. It's made it a little easier to actually think about what I'm feeling without my blood pressure rising.It's obvious that I don't matter to this place, to these people. But you could say that about almost anywhere and almost anyone. Not mattering isn't some unique or unlikely experience, I just hate the idea that I might be stuck here indefinitely.
On top of that, I am still furious about allowing myself to end up back here(for a long time I tried to forgive myself for getting depressed and letting my life slip out from under me, but I don't think I'm anywhere near that stage yet.)
I've been imaging this place as a sort of prison or hell dimension since I got here(it fits: the food is repetitive, I'm living with criminals and I'm here to pay for my mistakes) and that sort of helps. Making sense of all this has helped to shift my perception of this place from "hell dimension jail" to "crappy place to live".
The idea that the crush is really just another coping mechanism has been growing in my head all day. But so what? I need a distraction and nothing will ever come of it, the important thing is that I do manage to cope.
Every now and then I think about how much I just want to go home, but then I remember that I don't have one. It would probably be easier to deal with my father peeing in the sink, if I thought I would get out some day. And I'd like to think that I could forgive myself for all this in 10 years or so(because it would be ridiculous to stay angry for a decade), but I might not live that long. I don't know how to feel about that. Maybe if I stopped trying so hard to cope with all this, I could just go ahead and die already. Maybe the day I've been anticipating, the day when I wake up and decide to kill myself is not as far in the future as I initially thought. But these things never go according to plan, but what can you do?
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