*Trigger Warning: self-harm The power of procrastination is so awesome that even though I have been without Internet access for several hours and I have things that I think I want to do, I have spent that time lying on top of my bed thinking about how I would do all the things I want to do if I were to do them. Very productive. I think that the ideas I have are worth so much more in my head, I can fetishize every negative feeling and pretend that it makes me special or interesting in some way. But when the thoughts become words that I type out and read back, I realise how banal everything about me is. That's probably the real reason writing blog posts and writing in my journal gets a little harder every time. Here is a quick list of the things I should be doing right now: On Tuesday I had a very intense dream that was terrifying enough to make me feel slightly separate from my body all week. Even now, everything feels a little unreal and abnormal; I haven't stopped
Success is counted sweetest By those who ne'er succeed. To comprehend a nectar Requires sorest need.
--Emily Dickinson
The other day a thought found its way into my head without my seeing it coming. I was watching cartoons with my niece, when this memory popped into my head. It was so powerful and vivid and unexpected, it took me more than a second to get my mental defences back up. I was remembering a fight I'd had with my ex. We were on a road trip and the first day was really tense. That night, we had a fight about what was essentially nothing, but we almost broke up over it. He stopped speaking to me for a long while, he just lay there with his back to me for what felt like an hour. That was the worst I ever felt with him. But a few days ago I found myself thinking about all the things I would give up to be in that moment again. All alone in my head, I felt embarrassed for even thinking that.
I just can't do the relationship thing, and most of the time it's okay. I think I'm starting to understand who I am and I get why it's not for me. It makes sense that I would crave a little simplicity in my life: the husband, the two daughters and a decent set of in-laws that I can replace my own family with, it's something I've wanted for years. I guess that being a craving means that it gets to exist in my head without rationalisation.
Most of me doesn't want that life any more, preferring to learn everything I can about my condition so I can learn to live with it. I've found a way to get through every single day, that's a big step(in which direction isn't exactly clear right now). I don't have it in me to kill myself at the moment and my only other option seems to be going about my business as best I can for as long as I can. That's my life. That is always going to be my life. Most of me doesn't mind it. It fits with who I am. But sometimes I dream about that little girl that I'm never going to have, the one I spent years preparing to raise. There are probably a few days left for me to still dream of a simple life without feeling too ashamed of myself.For a little while longer, I think I can let myself have a little bit of leeway with these feelings. After all, this isn't the sort of thing someone just gets over. But I do have to get over it eventually, I have to start living the life that fits me: the life of a realist.
Comments
Post a Comment