Skip to main content
“That is not it at all,

That is not what I meant, at all.”

--T.S. Eliot, The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock


Featured

The Awesome Power of Procrastination

*Trigger Warning: self-harm The power of procrastination is so awesome that even though I have been without Internet access for several hours and I have things that I think I want to do, I have spent that time lying on top of my bed thinking about how I would do all the things I want to do if I were to do them. Very productive. I think that the ideas I have are worth so much more in my head, I can fetishize every negative feeling and pretend that it makes me special or interesting in some way. But when the thoughts become words that I type out and read back, I realise how banal everything about me is. That's probably the real reason writing blog posts and writing in my journal gets a little harder every time. Here is a quick list of the things I should be doing right now: On Tuesday I had a very intense dream that was terrifying enough to make me feel slightly separate from my body all week. Even now, everything feels a little unreal and abnormal; I haven't stopped

The Fear

So, after my spectacular failed attempt at getting a job abroad, I started looking around for alternatives. I thought about my dream of becoming a science journalist and after doing some research, I found out that I could freelance. It's pretty much the ideal job for me because I get to do what I want to do, learn about different scientific disciplines and move around to my heart's content. I found quite a few jobs online and they weren't even that demanding. But here's where my crazy comes in: I haven't made a single attempt at writing a sample article since I got this idea. I haven't made any moves towards achieving my goals. I am certain that this is what I want, but I'm not going after it. Because of the fear.

I've been watching horror movies since I was 5 and I've been careless with my life since S, so the whole idea of fear is foreign to me. I didn't care, so I wasn't afraid. But now I can't even write a simple 300-word sample article because I'm afraid of what it will mean for my future if it turns out that this is a thing I can't do. I don't know if I'll ever get around to it, I've been putting it off for so long. It took me a long time(and a bottle of wine) to even think about it. I don't want to fail again. And(of course) a big part of me still thinks that I would be better off dead, but I think I'm not really stupid enough to believe that that is a real option.

Comments

Popular Posts