The Friendships

I've been intensely bored lately. It's kinda frustrating because I have all these books I want to read and programming languages I want to learn, but I don't have any desires at all. I'm trying to maintain my interest in the crush(since it seems to be the last interest I have), but I can feel myself becoming increasingly indifferent towards the whole thing. Annoyingly, between these long periods of supreme apathy, I've been having these moments of (mostly)unprovoked anxiety that last for a few hours at a time(it's probably nothing more serious than my having more energy than I expend). The combination of being too anxious to sit still and too detached to focus this energy in any sort of useful way is probably what led me to decide to go browse through all my e-mail folders without actually looking for anything(I'm so glad I had the foresight to remove any triggers from my inbox months ago) and I found this in my draft folder:

It took me more than a few minutes to figure out what it was. At first I thought it was a message from my ex boyfriend that I had saved for some reason, but he never really saw me that way(also, there's the trigger-removal thing). I finally remembered the time I needed to constantly be reminded why anyone would like me and I decided to make it my imaginary friend's problem, before deciding to just save all his replies to my incessant "Why do you like me?" messages. At the time it seemed like a good compromise, I got my external validation and he didn't get annoyed. Balancing my needy, clingy madness with being a halfway decent friend isn't something I've mastered yet.To be honest, I haven't thought much about it before this week. Up until now my policy has been to stop talking to/hanging around anyone who makes me feel inadequate or uncomfortable in any way, but I don't think that it will work long-term. Being more or less completely isolated for the last 6 months has helped me evaluate my friendships as closely as my rattled brain will allow me. I've more or less divided them into 3 categories(with associated rough archetypes) so I can start planning how to proceed, should I get a chance to proceed.

1. "Why are we even friends?" archetype: I had this friend in primary and high school. I was nice to her when she was new and that was the basis for our friendship throughout primary school. In high school, we were friends because we'd been friends in primary school. Obviously I didn't enjoy high school because I'm odd and I wasn't willing to try to fit in(to the great annoyance of my friends). I was more into gore, monsters and books than boys(especially the morons my friends insisted on hanging out with). Long story short, she got frustrated with my weirdness and decided to just  hang out with me less, which wouldn't have bothered me as much if she didn't insist on making plans with me and then ditching me instead of just ignoring me like any normal person would. If I had been as cynical then as I am now, I would've thought she was doing that so I would know I was being excluded. Even though it was so obvious we weren't really friends, I tried to keep in touch with her in high school. It didn't make her any less willing to just ignore my calls and messages, but I guess I'm just that stupid. Last year she sends me a message saying she'll be in town in a few days and she'll call me when she arrives. She didn't(I was shocked), but she did invite one of our mutual friends out for drinks(she didn't know that Mutual Friend was with me) so she could tell her about her engagement. A few weeks ago she sends me a message(for the first time in a year) asking me why I'm being such a bitch. I decided not to reply. Maybe I am being a bitch, but I've been friends(or whatever) with this person since I was 10 and I've never once understood why. I'm tired, I'm sick, I can't deal with this sort of person anymore.


2. The "imperfect" archetype: There is this friend of mine that I love dearly and speak to regularly  sends me a text saying he heard I got fat. It wasn't nice, but I have gotten fat, so I can't fault him that much. He's mean sometimes, calls me a mess from time to time(he kinda reminds me of my mother), but he only does it when I do/say something that upsets him. Our relationship isn't perfect and there's a lot about me he just doesn't understand(understandably), but it might be a friendship worth keeping. The only real problem is that it's hard to deal with this type of friend when I'm feeling down and they make a hurtful comment in passing. I don't really want him to stop being "playfully mean" because that's just who he is(and it would feel too much like pity), but I also hate knowing that I can't rely on him when I really need support/help. I'm old-fashioned, I think that if friends can't be there for each other during the hard times, then the friendship is meaningless. But since he's trying to change to be a better friend to me, I should try to be a less needy friend to him.


3. The "True Friend" archetype: I have a few amazing and supportive friends. It's great and everything, but I suck at being a real friend to them. It's pretty obvious that I spend a lot of time preoccupied with my gross mental illness, which means I'm not the best friend a person could have. Even when I do talk to them about their lives and problems, it doesn't feel natural. It's hard to be a caring friend when there's nothing you care about, but being completely alone is one nightmare I think I can avoid living.

I don't think I could even say what kind of friend I am in this state, I figure I'm somewhere between type 2 and 1. I tried to be a type 3 friend to one of my friends who is obviously having a hard time. I care about him a great deal(and I don't just mean those months last year with the inappropriate mental images), but let's face it, the idea of me offering him or anyone else who had somewhere else to turn emotional support is a fucking joke. I'm not smart enough to offer him any solutions he hasn't already thought of and things would have to be apocalyptically fucked up for him to come to me for support, and even then it's a "maybe". It would be nice to think I'm not completely useless here, but that's actually exactly what I am: totally useless, basically worthless human being . I think it's kinda funny.