*Trigger Warning: self-harm The power of procrastination is so awesome that even though I have been without Internet access for several hours and I have things that I think I want to do, I have spent that time lying on top of my bed thinking about how I would do all the things I want to do if I were to do them. Very productive. I think that the ideas I have are worth so much more in my head, I can fetishize every negative feeling and pretend that it makes me special or interesting in some way. But when the thoughts become words that I type out and read back, I realise how banal everything about me is. That's probably the real reason writing blog posts and writing in my journal gets a little harder every time. Here is a quick list of the things I should be doing right now: On Tuesday I had a very intense dream that was terrifying enough to make me feel slightly separate from my body all week. Even now, everything feels a little unreal and abnormal; I haven't stopped
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The Mask Reconstruction: Coping
Motivation is an obstacle for me, obviously. Although I'm finding that it's getting easier with each day, which isn't saying much since most of my days don't involve dealing with anyone other than my mother. But even dealing with her is getting easier. The other day she expressed her distaste for my stomach and thighs and even though I initially found it demoralising(as I always do), I started thinking about how glad I was that she didn't get into the breast reduction bit again(she did, however, propose some unnecessary medical tests to look into what might be making my stomach look so gross. I predict the results will say it's just excess fat).
I've picked up a few tricks to coping that are proving very useful in my eternal struggle to not kill my mother:
Eat all my meals between 9:00 and 17:00, unless I want my mother hovering over me telling me that not only am I preparing the right way(which apparently extends to the way I halve a grapefruit), but what I'm eating is making me fat.
Do all the activities I want to do during the day for the same reason as (1)
Make small progressions. I still gag when I read one of those "life is a wonderful gift" posts that show up on my Facebook newsfeed from time to time(Seriously, though, what the fuck?!), so I'm "being grateful" in tiny little spurts. So while I still think Life is a gruesome mistake, I am learning to live with it.
Be silent. Most of the time my mother is just talking at me or just trying to get a rise out of me. If I keep my mouth shut and politely go to my mental happy place, it all blows over.
Remember that even though all these changes are hard, living the way I have been is much harder. I'm not willing to spend the rest of my life alone and bitter for the sake of holding on to the illusion that I should be accepted the way I am.
Keep my phone on me at all times so that when anything gets on my nerves, I can complain to my friends about it. And they always make me smile, which softens my face and greatly reduces the chances of me bludgeoning someone to death with my shoe. Listening to music when I can also makes a huge difference(as long as it's something pop-y and cute). Plus, I always make sure I have a wallpaper that makes me smile.
Go to my online happy place(tumblr) as often as I can. Strangers who post funny/interesting pictures sometimes cheer me up better than friends can.
Write down my feelings even when they're petty, lame, stupid, inconsequential(yes, that's a synonym for "petty", but I'm making a point here) and, worst of all, unimaginatively phrased; I need to know what I'm feeling before I can deal with it.
Be kinder to myself. If any of my friends had an ex they were still in love with, I wouldn't make them look at a picture of the ex person's new person and the baby they have together on a daily basis. That would be cruel, unnecessarily so.
When things get really bad, watch this:
I still haven't figured out how to cope with the occasional thoughts that still come out of nowhere in bitter blacks strings that reel themselves into a hateful knot in my chest. I guess that would be the next step.
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