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“That is not it at all,

That is not what I meant, at all.”

--T.S. Eliot, The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock

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The Awesome Power of Procrastination

*Trigger Warning: self-harm The power of procrastination is so awesome that even though I have been without Internet access for several hours and I have things that I think I want to do, I have spent that time lying on top of my bed thinking about how I would do all the things I want to do if I were to do them. Very productive. I think that the ideas I have are worth so much more in my head, I can fetishize every negative feeling and pretend that it makes me special or interesting in some way. But when the thoughts become words that I type out and read back, I realise how banal everything about me is. That's probably the real reason writing blog posts and writing in my journal gets a little harder every time. Here is a quick list of the things I should be doing right now: On Tuesday I had a very intense dream that was terrifying enough to make me feel slightly separate from my body all week. Even now, everything feels a little unreal and abnormal; I haven't stopped
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The Release

My thoughts are quite fragmented, but I feel fine. It might just be the calm before some terrible storm, so I'm preparing for the worst. I saw another picture that triggered me(I'm starting to hate Facebook). A beautiful smile that I'll bet always warms his heart. Neatly dressed for the Christmas family portrait every happy family should have. The bouncing baby in her arms looks happy and healthy, the child I know he's always wanted. Even I can understand why he chose her over me.
"I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

 I should have loved a Thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"
--Sylvia Plath, Mad Girl's Love Song


It all clicked into place. It all simply doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that I can't take the pain because it is coming anyway. It doesn't matter that I'm ashamed of my past actions, the consequences are more real than any regret. It's irrelevant that I want to matter, nobody is all I know how to be. It doesn't matter that I want to feel safe again, Abandonment is always waiting for me around the corner. It doesn't matter that he is happy while I lie decimated, that can hardly be considered a mortal sin. It doesn't matter that I am not ready to move on, the new day is coming regardless. It doesn't matter that I want love with all my heart, I simply cannot have it. And it doesn't matter that I cannot let go of him because he's already let go of me.
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