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“That is not it at all,

That is not what I meant, at all.”

--T.S. Eliot, The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock

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The Awesome Power of Procrastination

*Trigger Warning: self-harm The power of procrastination is so awesome that even though I have been without Internet access for several hours and I have things that I think I want to do, I have spent that time lying on top of my bed thinking about how I would do all the things I want to do if I were to do them. Very productive. I think that the ideas I have are worth so much more in my head, I can fetishize every negative feeling and pretend that it makes me special or interesting in some way. But when the thoughts become words that I type out and read back, I realise how banal everything about me is. That's probably the real reason writing blog posts and writing in my journal gets a little harder every time. Here is a quick list of the things I should be doing right now: On Tuesday I had a very intense dream that was terrifying enough to make me feel slightly separate from my body all week. Even now, everything feels a little unreal and abnormal; I haven't stopped
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The Mask Reconstruction: week 1



Back before my ex boyfriend(the first one) started ignoring me and I was just so terribly excited about having someone who liked me that I thought I could talk to, the idea to send him a copy of The Necessity of Atheism by Percy Bysshe Shelley somehow wormed its way into my brain. I'm kinda glad he started blowing me off before I did, it would've been a very odd thing to do. I can't be that freak again(well, I can, but then I'll be miserable and alone).

I know I should be over this(him). I've waited to be over this(him) for almost 4 years. For close to 4 years, I've watched everyone around me move on without me. I've watched him fall in love with someone who isn't me and have a child he adores with her. I think about him every single day and every single day I am reminded that he doesn't think about me. And I have been stuck. And I am still stuck. I know that I am pathetic and  weak, but I'm learning to live with that. So maybe I can't get over him any time soon, but pretending to be can't be harder than having to hate myself afresh every morning. And I just might be(might be?) stupid enough to fool myself into believing it's really working.
"The whole of living that we see before our eyes today is from inmost to outmost enmeshed in repressional mechanisms, social and individual; they can be traced right into the tritest formulas of everyday life. Though they take a vast and multifarious variety of forms, it seems legitimate to at least identify four major kinds, naturally occurring in every possible combination: isolation, anchoring, distraction, and sublimation."
-- Peter Wessel Zapffe, The Last Messiah

 I'm still trying to convince myself that Distraction is the right course of action for me. Since Isolation has been quite tough on me and I don't have any Anchors, I'm left with Distraction(I won't even go into why Sublimation is not an option at this juncture). If there's any chance of me finding a way to be comfortable with being alive, this is probably the best way to go about finding it.

I've been trying to focus more on my appearance than the things I'm going to have to pretend to stomach when I'm around other people. Plus, I generally feel much less insecure now that I'm in a country where I don't have to look at other woman, so this is probably the best time build up body image or whatever the fuck it's called. Getting prettier is just a much easier goal than trying to learn how to say the words "God", "love" or "connection" without throwing up a little in my mouth. Plus, I really don't like family members commenting about my weight the whole time. I got through about 20 minutes on the elliptical thingy before I was struck with that oh so familiar apathy that drains all the energy from my muscles. I tried thinking about my ex to get me angry enough to keep going, but that just made me more depressed. So, the reconstruction is still in the early stages, but I'm sticking with it for now.  In the wise words of Jeannie Mai, “This world judges. So you either be smart and work your way around it or watch your life pass you by as you miss out on opportunities.”

I think that facing the issues doesn't work for everyone, for some people the best way to let go and move on is to start moving on and hope that the letting go will follow close behind. I can't stay in this emotional place where all I feel is bitter and jealous because it will kill me. Or worse, eat at me without killing me. I have to move on. one way or another.
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