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“That is not it at all,

That is not what I meant, at all.”

--T.S. Eliot, The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock

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The Awesome Power of Procrastination

*Trigger Warning: self-harm The power of procrastination is so awesome that even though I have been without Internet access for several hours and I have things that I think I want to do, I have spent that time lying on top of my bed thinking about how I would do all the things I want to do if I were to do them. Very productive. I think that the ideas I have are worth so much more in my head, I can fetishize every negative feeling and pretend that it makes me special or interesting in some way. But when the thoughts become words that I type out and read back, I realise how banal everything about me is. That's probably the real reason writing blog posts and writing in my journal gets a little harder every time. Here is a quick list of the things I should be doing right now: On Tuesday I had a very intense dream that was terrifying enough to make me feel slightly separate from my body all week. Even now, everything feels a little unreal and abnormal; I haven't stopped
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The Festering

"A panorama more deplorably desolate no human imagination can conceive." --Edgar Allen Poe (Descent into the Maelstrom)

Something has happened to me. I have changed, overnight. Yesterday I was dragged into the past again and now all I am is the pain. I don't feel anything else. I don't have any favourite movies or songs or food. Because all I am is the pain. All I think about is him. Trying to experience my days from under a mountain of hatred and pain and bitterness is making me wonder what tomorrow will be like. And the day after that; will I wake up choking on a mouthful of hatred and bitterness and jealousy. I don't think I will ever be free of him.

It's only been one night, but I remember how it was before. I remember not being able to sleep without alcohol for a year. I remember being so crazed that I wanted to jump off a balcony to have a second, just one second, that wasn't about him. For once, maybe, my pain could stem from something else. My heart hurts, it has been hurting for a very long time. It hurts so much, everything in my body has stopped and I want to stick a knife right into it to see if anything will change.
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