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“That is not it at all,

That is not what I meant, at all.”

--T.S. Eliot, The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock

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The Awesome Power of Procrastination

*Trigger Warning: self-harm The power of procrastination is so awesome that even though I have been without Internet access for several hours and I have things that I think I want to do, I have spent that time lying on top of my bed thinking about how I would do all the things I want to do if I were to do them. Very productive. I think that the ideas I have are worth so much more in my head, I can fetishize every negative feeling and pretend that it makes me special or interesting in some way. But when the thoughts become words that I type out and read back, I realise how banal everything about me is. That's probably the real reason writing blog posts and writing in my journal gets a little harder every time. Here is a quick list of the things I should be doing right now: On Tuesday I had a very intense dream that was terrifying enough to make me feel slightly separate from my body all week. Even now, everything feels a little unreal and abnormal; I haven't stopped
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The Mad Girl: Day 3

"I was just thinking about the life of a pumpkin. Grow up in the sun, happily entwined with others, and then someone comes along, cuts you open, and rips your guts out." --Buffy(Season 4, episode 4)

Stage 3(proper): Anger
No life change would be complete without it. This can range from the mild annoyance of realising how inconvenient it is that your life and hopes need to be adjusted to the white-hot fury currently seething inside me. Adjusting expectations and dealing with disappointment will always result in a bit of anger, but you need to face it. Believe me. It is a bit uncomfortable when you are so pissed off you can't even breathe, but you still have to hand in portfolios and assignments. But you can never ever move on until you've completed all the stages(I don't know how many there are because all of this is being neatly unpacked from out of my ass). Moving on to this stage is a good start to maybe one day accepting who you are and what the rest of your life will be like. So while you maybe too busy smashing things and setting buildings on fire to truly reflect on this, it can't do any harm to keep it in the back of your mind


I'm feeling like a teenaged girl(and not just because I'm watching Buffy on a Friday night). I lost my virginity to a man who then treated me like I didn't exist(it's a story as old as time) and for the longest time I thought that the way he treated me was because his feelings for me scared him as much as my feelings for him scared me and he was just trying to protect his delicate heart(feel free to alter that justification to suit whatever you told yourself so you could stay away from the razor blade). And then I thought maybe he was just a dick and he was incapable of love(in which case: good riddens, bad rubbish, etc). But now he actually has someone he loves now and I am not above admitting that he really isn't at fault here because I'm the one who is unlovable, I still feel like I'm allowed to occasionally fantasize about skinning him alive without being put on any lists. The only world I create is in my mind and I should be able to truly express myself there.

Angry rambling aside: the anger may be painful, restricting and stop you from getting much work done, but don't turn away from it because you cannot start your new life as a "special breed"(I'm still testing out names) without first working through it. There is nothing worse than being stuck in the past with festering hatred(you end alienating the man you love, writing a ridiculous blog that no one reads and developing a weird relationship with cats ).

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