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“That is not it at all,

That is not what I meant, at all.”

--T.S. Eliot, The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock


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The Awesome Power of Procrastination

*Trigger Warning: self-harm The power of procrastination is so awesome that even though I have been without Internet access for several hours and I have things that I think I want to do, I have spent that time lying on top of my bed thinking about how I would do all the things I want to do if I were to do them. Very productive. I think that the ideas I have are worth so much more in my head, I can fetishize every negative feeling and pretend that it makes me special or interesting in some way. But when the thoughts become words that I type out and read back, I realise how banal everything about me is. That's probably the real reason writing blog posts and writing in my journal gets a little harder every time. Here is a quick list of the things I should be doing right now: On Tuesday I had a very intense dream that was terrifying enough to make me feel slightly separate from my body all week. Even now, everything feels a little unreal and abnormal; I haven't stopped

The Mad Girl: Day 8

Pain. Severe pain. Every time I breathe. In my heart. And in my lungs. And in my throat. The professionals lied.

It will pass,
I'll be fine.
I just have to wait:

He doesn't want me.
It is excruciating.
It will pass,
I'll be fine;

He's beautiful when he smiles;
It is excruciating.
It will pass.
I'll be fine.

He feels amazing,
And he's beautiful when he smiles;
It is excruciating.
It will pass.
I'll be fine.

I'm stuck
(He's beautiful) .
I can't move
(He feels amazing) .
He doesn't want me;

It is excruciating.
It will pass.
I'll be fine.
It will pass.
I'll be fine.

He's beneath the skin,
Like a stab wound
(Or a broken heart) .

Excruciating

He's in my mind,
Like a tumour
(Or Suicide) .

Excruciating

I'm trying
And I'm failing
(Like a Loser)

Excruciating

Too much?
Too little?
(Not Enough) .

Excruciating

It will Pass,
I'll be Fine
(I think) .

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