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“That is not it at all,

That is not what I meant, at all.”

--T.S. Eliot, The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock

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The Awesome Power of Procrastination

*Trigger Warning: self-harm The power of procrastination is so awesome that even though I have been without Internet access for several hours and I have things that I think I want to do, I have spent that time lying on top of my bed thinking about how I would do all the things I want to do if I were to do them. Very productive. I think that the ideas I have are worth so much more in my head, I can fetishize every negative feeling and pretend that it makes me special or interesting in some way. But when the thoughts become words that I type out and read back, I realise how banal everything about me is. That's probably the real reason writing blog posts and writing in my journal gets a little harder every time. Here is a quick list of the things I should be doing right now: On Tuesday I had a very intense dream that was terrifying enough to make me feel slightly separate from my body all week. Even now, everything feels a little unreal and abnormal; I haven't stopped
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The Mad Girl: Day 5

Apparently this will all be over in 9 days. Here's hoping.

"Why must I love where love can not prosper?
Why must I hope where hope can not grow?
What is the reason for all of these feelings
Giving rise to the things that no one can know?
The worst of my heart is bound in my head,
And I wish above all these feelings were dead," -- Mathew Lewis(For a Love never realised)
This is probably going to be a short one for reasons that will become obvious soon.

Stage 4: Depression:
Although you could argue there Depression is the first stage and the other stages are just merely different ways to cope with it. Whatever. Nothing matters. Certainly nothing that pedantic. To be honest, this was inevitable. The bottomless pit of despair is practically the rest state of the Emotional Black Holes(or EBHs). It is the thing that makes it impossible for anyone to be with you for an extended period of time without feeling large chunks of themselves die. Being an EBH is, essentially, possessing the super human ability to bring down absolutely everyone around you. This is probably the cruelest stage because it is who you really are. It is the moment when you turn and face the abyssal singularity that is your metaphorical soul. When you know that you are not only incredibly damaged, but that also do damage to others just by being around them. There is possibly a way to cope with this knowledge, but I can't be bothered to find out.

Fallen

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