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“That is not it at all,

That is not what I meant, at all.”

--T.S. Eliot, The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock

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The Awesome Power of Procrastination

*Trigger Warning: self-harm The power of procrastination is so awesome that even though I have been without Internet access for several hours and I have things that I think I want to do, I have spent that time lying on top of my bed thinking about how I would do all the things I want to do if I were to do them. Very productive. I think that the ideas I have are worth so much more in my head, I can fetishize every negative feeling and pretend that it makes me special or interesting in some way. But when the thoughts become words that I type out and read back, I realise how banal everything about me is. That's probably the real reason writing blog posts and writing in my journal gets a little harder every time. Here is a quick list of the things I should be doing right now: On Tuesday I had a very intense dream that was terrifying enough to make me feel slightly separate from my body all week. Even now, everything feels a little unreal and abnormal; I haven't stopped
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The Mad Girl: Day 2

Side Note: The hysterical buzz does not last through the night

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

I didn't get my wine last night and things are not looking good for the rest of the week. How is someone as lazy as I am supposed to maintain a blog no one reads without alcohol? It's an outrage.
This morning I woke up at dawn because my heart had started to physically hurt. That's when I realised what had been responsible for the nearly psychotic level of giddiness experienced on Day 1; it is the rush of various biochemicals and hormones brought on by the severe emotional pain. But if the emotional pain is manifesting as physical symptoms, is it not then a good idea to take actual painkillers for it? I like the symmetry of the idea, but it's obviously a bad idea. This brings us rather clumsily to:

Stage 2: The Marilyn Monroe Fixation
The above quote works for people like me for obvious reasons(I need to come with a clever name for The Unlovables. Something catchy like "future suicidals"). This stage is a slight variation on the far more common "Denial" stage. It is the sneaking suspicion that besides all the evidence to the contrary, there is hope for you yet. If you find such nonsense sullying your mind, please take some time out to remember(or read up on) how Marilyn Monroe died. It is unbearable to know that you will never be loved but still be able to(frequently) fall in love. Spending the rest of your life watching the people you love walk away from you is not going to be easy, that's why even though this stage is not nearly as kind as the first, it will be much kinder than the days that are coming.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y71hzDywOis


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