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“That is not it at all,

That is not what I meant, at all.”

--T.S. Eliot, The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock

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The Awesome Power of Procrastination

*Trigger Warning: self-harm The power of procrastination is so awesome that even though I have been without Internet access for several hours and I have things that I think I want to do, I have spent that time lying on top of my bed thinking about how I would do all the things I want to do if I were to do them. Very productive. I think that the ideas I have are worth so much more in my head, I can fetishize every negative feeling and pretend that it makes me special or interesting in some way. But when the thoughts become words that I type out and read back, I realise how banal everything about me is. That's probably the real reason writing blog posts and writing in my journal gets a little harder every time. Here is a quick list of the things I should be doing right now: On Tuesday I had a very intense dream that was terrifying enough to make me feel slightly separate from my body all week. Even now, everything feels a little unreal and abnormal; I haven't stopped
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The Apathy

Misery is manifold. The wretchedness of earth is multiform. Overreaching the wide horizon like the rainbow, its hues are as various as the hues of that arch, as distinct too, yet as intimately blended.
--Edgar A. Poe, Berenice

Only on day 4 and I am seriously re-evaluating this whole "daily blog post" thing. When I originally had the idea several months ago, I figured that if I ever got stuck and couldn't think of anything to write or just had a long day and got too tired to make a real effort, I would just post a relevant video or something. Although it looks like I'm going to end up doing that today, it feels worse than I anticipated. Part of that may have to do with the fact that I woke up today and read that awesome poem I wrote last night and liked it only about half as much as I liked it when I first read through it. It's definitely not a big deal and writings can be edited, but it does amplify a question I always have at the back of my mind: why am I doing this? Nobody cares and I am not good at this. I have inexplicably dedicated a week of my life to attempting to do something I objectively suck at for an audience that doesn't exist.

Earlier today I had planned to do a sort of retrospective post looking over all the highlights from my journal entries over the last 2 years. I am still planning to do that, it just turns out that poring over 2 years worth of journal entries isn't the sort of thing that is easily achieved in a day. So instead I will post a song that encapsulates everything I felt over that time more than anything I will write in the future.


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