Anhedonia (usually uncountable, plural anhedonias)
(medicine, psychiatry) The inability to feel pleasure from activities usually found enjoyable, such as exercise, hobbies, music, sexual activities or social interactions.
So after spending several months getting shit-kicked by the evil beast that is ahedonia, I have decided to try and fight back. Of course I didn't do any sort of real research on my purported preferred method of therapy, but I like to think that this is the sort of method I would've come up with if I had. I am going to commit to writing a blog post once a day for a week. There probably won't be anything interesting to write and even if there is, I will be too lazy to spend too much time on it. Still, I want to try to do something to ward of the boredom and anhedonia.
During my first session with one of my non-terrible therapists, I remember her telling me that there are many forms of therapy and I just have to find the one that is right for me. Obviously the more traditional types of therapy didn't work out because, either I wasn't willing to open up or the therapist found the things I did open up about banal. So I'm doing this, because even if it gets harder and harder for me to keep going every day and even my journal entries are more or less monthly now, I have to do something. I have been so intensely bored, so distressingly devoid of all attractive distrations that I can't imagine getting through the many after-work hours that are stretching out before me this week. I have to do something. Killing time with alcohol seems like the logical route for me, but I'm out of money. I bought a lot sweets and snacks yesterday, you would think those would provide a fun past time, but the box of hazelnut truffles (that I knew tasted great) just sat on the desk next to me for at least an hour before I opened them. I didn't really want them. I don't really want anything. I read a tweet earlier this week that basically said that the glib "remedies" offered by lay people and the well-researched "treatments" offered by psychiatrists boil down to the same thing: "Stop feeling depressed. Find something to do." It's pretty hollow advice on the face of it, but what else would work? There is no cure for depression, there is only staying off the ledge long enough to find a good distraction to keep you busy until you eventually die anyway. There is no place for depressed people in this world and not just because of the reduced productivity that can be deadly in a capitalist society; depressed people aren't even of any use to themselves. What are you going to do when you don't feel like doing anything? It's not like any activities are suddenly going develop some sort of inherent meaning. In the absence of meaning, find distractions.
I'm not much of a writer and the subject matter isn't ever interesting, but I like the way it feels when I complete a post I like enough to publish. Starting is always hard, but I never regret it. So I am committing to this week as much as someone in my condition can. I have to do something.
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