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“That is not it at all,

That is not what I meant, at all.”

--T.S. Eliot, The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock

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The Awesome Power of Procrastination

*Trigger Warning: self-harm The power of procrastination is so awesome that even though I have been without Internet access for several hours and I have things that I think I want to do, I have spent that time lying on top of my bed thinking about how I would do all the things I want to do if I were to do them. Very productive. I think that the ideas I have are worth so much more in my head, I can fetishize every negative feeling and pretend that it makes me special or interesting in some way. But when the thoughts become words that I type out and read back, I realise how banal everything about me is. That's probably the real reason writing blog posts and writing in my journal gets a little harder every time. Here is a quick list of the things I should be doing right now: On Tuesday I had a very intense dream that was terrifying enough to make me feel slightly separate from my body all week. Even now, everything feels a little unreal and abnormal; I haven't stopped ...
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The Instant Gratification

So I just signed for this poetry course on Coursera and the first thing that stood out to me was the sort of core principle of the course which is that the best writing happens after the first draft. You'd think this would be obvious to me but even a cursory glance of my posts show that I write the first thing that comes to mind and then(sometimes) make it more grammatically sound. I don't worry too much about perfection and nuance because the sooner I can publish a post, the sooner I can get the instant gratification that comes with feeling like I've done something. This probably also why I hardly ever read even though that was supposed to become a big part of my routine and I go ahead and write even when I don't have a solid idea of what I want to say. I do value getting my thoughts out in this sort of stream-of-consciousness way, it helps me feel like I've processed my emotions and so I don't have to spend any more time worrying about the thing I was worrying about. But there is value in writing something that doesn't just give me instant relief, but actually helps someone else.

I think that I am going to back to making my blog posts part of my daily routine, but instead of writing everyday I'll have a single draft that I work on every day for a week. Let's see how that goes.

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