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“That is not it at all,

That is not what I meant, at all.”

--T.S. Eliot, The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock

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The Awesome Power of Procrastination

*Trigger Warning: self-harm The power of procrastination is so awesome that even though I have been without Internet access for several hours and I have things that I think I want to do, I have spent that time lying on top of my bed thinking about how I would do all the things I want to do if I were to do them. Very productive. I think that the ideas I have are worth so much more in my head, I can fetishize every negative feeling and pretend that it makes me special or interesting in some way. But when the thoughts become words that I type out and read back, I realise how banal everything about me is. That's probably the real reason writing blog posts and writing in my journal gets a little harder every time. Here is a quick list of the things I should be doing right now: On Tuesday I had a very intense dream that was terrifying enough to make me feel slightly separate from my body all week. Even now, everything feels a little unreal and abnormal; I haven't stopped
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The End of the Experiment

Without the ever-clanking machinery of emotion, everything would come to a standstill. There would be nothing to do, nowhere to go, nothing to be, and no one to know. The alternatives are clear: to live falsely as pawns of affect, or to live factually as depressives, or as individuals who know what is known to the depressive.
--Thomas Ligotti,The Conspiracy Against the Human Race

Even though I skipped out on yesterday's post, I really do think it helped me get a clearer ideo of what I want to do. This weekend I came up with a few ideas on the type content I might want to make in the future. I've also had the voice of an elderly white man in the back of my mind asking what it is about my generation that makes us feel the need to put everything online...

I know why I do this, half-heartedly though it may be: I need to remember that I am not alone. I can't possibly be. It's hard to be mindful of that in my current environment, but there are people who think like I do and like the things that I do and I think my odds of finding them online are much better.

The last couple of days have been somewhat trying, but it was because I was tired. For people like me, being tired at night is something that should always be celebrated. So I don't feel too bad about not being able to fulfil the committment I made to the extent that I would've preferred, but I did hang on longer than I expected and now I want to keep going. The anhedonia hasn't abided much, but writing every day makes it easier for me to remember the things about writing that I enjoy. And ever since my last attempt at poetry, I've wanted to try again. It's possible that the best way to fight my anhedonia is routine. I'm going to try this again next week, I think I can do it.

 The new and improved daily plan:
  1. Spend at least 15 minutes writing and produce a post with a word count of at least 300(peotry is excluded from the word count but not the time requirement).
  2. Spend 25 minutes reading something written by a writer I admire(in order to improve the quality of my posts).
  3.  Ignore old man voice at all times but especially when in the process of writing.
  4. Consider writing and posting earlier in the day to avoid fatigue. 
  5. Wrting thoughts in my journal as they come to help with (4)
  6. In case of emergency, always choose sleep over writing.
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