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“That is not it at all,

That is not what I meant, at all.”

--T.S. Eliot, The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock

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The Awesome Power of Procrastination

*Trigger Warning: self-harm The power of procrastination is so awesome that even though I have been without Internet access for several hours and I have things that I think I want to do, I have spent that time lying on top of my bed thinking about how I would do all the things I want to do if I were to do them. Very productive. I think that the ideas I have are worth so much more in my head, I can fetishize every negative feeling and pretend that it makes me special or interesting in some way. But when the thoughts become words that I type out and read back, I realise how banal everything about me is. That's probably the real reason writing blog posts and writing in my journal gets a little harder every time. Here is a quick list of the things I should be doing right now: On Tuesday I had a very intense dream that was terrifying enough to make me feel slightly separate from my body all week. Even now, everything feels a little unreal and abnormal; I haven't stopped
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The Fight

I don’t understand why we must do things in this world, why we must have friends and aspirations, hopes and dreams. Wouldn’t it be better to retreat to a faraway corner of the world, where all its noise and complications would be heard no more? Then we could renounce culture and ambitions; we would lose everything and gain nothing; for what is there to be gained from this world? -- Emil Cioran, On the Heights of Despair

Still not feeling this. Alas, onward and upward.

Today I was hit with another setback with regards to finally getting my degree. Of course I was disappointed, but I can't say I was very angry. My friends were definitely more upset than I was, they were ready to send strongly-worded e-mails to everyone involved with the curriculum change. But I have been at this for so long, it doesn't make sense for me to get upset every time something like this happens. I used to think that this grudging acceptance of things going wrong in my life was just me being "chilled", but now I am starting to think that I have just lost my fight. Reasonably speaking, it doesn't make sense for me to keep behaving as though bad things happening to me, to anyone, is anything other than normal. But then, what am  I doing here?

I remember being so happy at university that I honestly believed that it made up for all the hardships I'd been through in my life until then. A volatile childhood and a hellish adolescence made sense when I saw them through the eyes of someone who was now having their resilience rewarded with being able to study a subject they are passionate in at what is easily the most beautiful university in the country with the kindest, most fun group of friends. But their is no balance. And one must suffers through decades of pain for a fleeting moment of pleasure. It wasn't worth it. Of course it wasn't. My life didn't change for the better 10 years ago, I just got to breathe a single gulp of fresh air before I went back into my torture chamber. And all the pain that has been a part of me all my life has been so much harder to deal with since then.

I sometimes consider fighting to get back into that open air, to be passionate and happy again. But now I am aware that it cannot last because that's just how life works. I also know that it will make it harder for me to deal with crises when they inevitably happen. It's not the sort of thing I can fight for and win. I do remember how good it felt to be happy, but I am aware of how much of my life is struggle and pain, that's what I need to be prepared for. There is no time for delusion.
Did you lose your fight? Huh?


No. I just found it.

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