The Balancing Act

The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them -- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear.”

--Stephen King

I keep putting off writing posts that I really don't want to write, but don't want to get a response to(no response is a response). They are a bit close to my core and I don't think I'm quite ready to write about those sort of things. At the moment this is just a rote exercise that is a very poor approximation of a therapeutic act. I'm not really into this and I will never really deal with anything, not here.

So I skipped yesterday and it turns out to be totally pointless. Yesterday evening I was very tired and I think that getting enough sleep is more important than writing a blog post no one is going to read, but as the night went on I grew less tired and a sort of poem started to form in my head. My initial plan was to finish the poem today so I could feel less bad about skipping yesterday, but it's simply not ready. I still think that sticking to a routine will be good for me, but I don't know if writing every day should be part of that routine. I've always gravitated to what feels good and I mostly think that I'm justified in doing that because I experience positive feelings so rarely. I hate that writing feels like a chore and I think it's important to get enough rest, but I'm struggling to find some sort of middle ground here. I think I need a sort of algorithm to help me decide whether or not to bother with the blog post based on how tired I am and whether or not I even have any ideas of what to write about. It would also need to factor in my mood on the day and how I feel about my decision the next day(so it would probably take a few weeks to build up a usable data set). I think I just created more work for myself...